Placenta Ovaries

some really fucking great acting I was blessed with witnessing in 2008

The Top 10 Performances By Actresses Who Are Female From Movies That I Watched In 2008
1. Jennifer Jason Leigh in Flesh+Blood
2. Jennifer Lopez in Selena
3. Erica Gavin in Vixen!

4. Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman Returns
5. Barbara Stanwyck in The Lady Eve

6. Jennifer Jason Leigh in The Hudsucker Proxy
7. Rainbeaux Smith in Drum
8. Jayne Mansfield in Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter?
9. Trini Alvarado in Times Square
10. Susan Tyrrell in Flesh+Blood

Honorable Mentions: Margaret O'Brien in Meet Me in St. Louis, Ann-Margret in Viva Las Vegas, Samatha Eggar in The Collector, and Barbara Stanwyck in Ball of Fire.

The Top 10 Performances By Actors Who Are Male From Movies That I Watched In 2008
1. Nicolas Cage in Vampire's Kiss
2. Tommy Wiseau in The Room

3. Richard Widmark in Kiss of Death
4. Al Pacino in The Godfather Part II
5. Charles Grodin in The Great Muppet Caper

6. TIE: Timothy Dalton in Licence To Kill/Daniel Craig in Casino Royale
7. Robert Forster in Alligator
8. Kurt Russell in Used Cars
9. Terence Stamp in The Collector
10. Lon Chaney in The Unknown

Honorable Mention: Judd Nelson in The Dark Backward.

some really fucking good scenes from movies I saw in 2008

I don't always remember to write down stuff like this, so there may be some shit I forgot. Like, I'm sure I saw more than 2 movies this year with amazing endings. Pretty sure, anyway. Macabre was definitely the best, though.

The Top 15 Scenes from Movies I Watched in 2008
1. Girl cannibalizes herself in Splatter: Naked Blood
2. The main characters all dress up in tuxedos, and want to go play football, and all make chicken noises when one of them doesn't want to go, then they do end up playing football for like 30 seconds, and we never find out why they're all wearing tuxedos in The Room
3. Nicolas Cage says "Oh, by the way. I raped someone the other night." in Vampire's Kiss

4. TIE: Possessed brother seduces sister in Amityville II: The Possession/Erica Gavin seduces her brother in the shower in Vixen!
5. Django removes primitive machine gun from coffin and shoots everyone in Django
6. James Coburn smiles hugely, showing off his incredible teeth, while his wife and his friend make out in Duck, You Sucker

7. Girl sings Country Roads and is joined by a band in Whisper of the Heart
8. Richard Widmark pushes a woman in a wheelchair down the stairs in Kiss of Death
9. A car key is inserted into the ignition from the POV of the ignition in Torque
10. A man casually picks up money from the table with chopsticks, and sticks it in his pocket, then casually continues eating with the same chopsticks in Pickup On South Street

11. Tom Cruise suspended in the white room in Mission: Impossible (shit was fucking tense)
12. Serial killers kill a family underneath a Christmas tree in August Underground's Penance
13. Nicolas Cage shouts the alphabet in Vampire's Kiss
14. Outer space laser fight in Moonraker
15. Every time someone pulls off their face revealing themselves to be someone else (it happens roughly 400 times, I think) in Mission: Impossible II

The Top 3 Opening Scenes from Movies I Watched in 2008
1. Bad Boys II (big action sequence leading into Will Smith and Martin Lawrence throwing off KKK outfits, guns blazing)
2. Requiem for a Vampire (gunfight/car chase with cute girls in clown makeup for no discernible reason)
3. Monster Dog (this music video, also at ending)

The Top 2 Endings from Movies I Watched in 2008
1. Macabre (don't want to spoil it, but trust me, it's amazing)
2. Nightmare (young boy kills his dad and his dad's girlfriend and it's unbelievably bloody)

some really fucking good horror movies I watched in 2008

The Top 15 Horror Movies I Watched In 2008
1. Stagefright
2. Mad Love

3. Splatter: Naked Blood
4. Creepshow 2
5. Amityville II: The Possession
6. The Amityville Horror
7. Nightmare

8. Wrong Turn
9. Tenebre
10. August Underground's Penance

11. God Told Me To
12. Slugs
13. Requiem for a Vampire
14. Cannibal Ferox
15. August Underground

Stagefright is about some actors trapped in a playhouse being killed off by a killer in an owl mask. Mad Love is about Peter Lorre being a creepy doctor.

Splatter: Naked Blood is about girls being drugged with something that makes them get off on pain, and one girl eats herself and it's amazing. Creepshow 2 is three stories about stuff, and it's occasionally really bloody, and always really swayze. Amityville II is about the original family who lived in the Amityville house, and the son who kills them all. The Amityville Horror is about the second family who lived in the Amityville house, and they find out it's haunted. Nightmare is about a kid who killed his dad and his dad's girlfriend when he was a kid, and later in life, he's released from the mental hospital, but he still has problems.

Wrong Turn is about hillbillies killing people. Tenebre is about a writer and a killer who is killing people in ways described in the writer's book, and so the writer has to figure out who's doing it. August Underground's Penance is about a couple of killers going around killing people.

God Told Me To is about people who are killing other people then themselves because God told them to. Slugs is about giant, killer slugs. Requiem for a Vampire is about a couple of teenage girls being lured into vampirism. Cannibal Ferox is about Lorraine De Selle going to the jungle to prove that cannibalism doesn't exist, but it turns out it does. August Underground is about killers killing, and occasionally being annoying.

Honorable Mentions: [REC] and Don't Open Till Christmas.

some really fucking good dramas I watched in 2008

The Top 10 Dramas I Watched in 2008
1. The Room
2. Selena
3. The Godfather Part II

4. The Iron Giant
5. Mandingo

6. The Night of the Hunted
7. Alligator
8. Drum
9. Whisper of the Heart
10. The Unknown

The Room is a touching dramedy about love and friendship. Selena is about the pop star Selena, and it's charming and amazing and tragic. The Godfather Part II is about Al Pacino struggling with his decisions, and it's one of the most watchable, engrossing movies I've ever seen.

The Iron Giant is about a boy finding an iron giant from space, and befriending it. Mandingo is about slavery, and it's slightly exploitative but not as much as I expected, and I loved that it didn't have any heavy-handed messages that every viewer already knows about slavery being fucked, it just told a story.

The Night of the Hunted is about Brigitte Lahaie having constant amnesia, and being put into a home with other people who have constant amnesia, and everyone fucks and/or kills each other. Alligator is about Robert Forster trying to track down an enormous killer alligator. Drum is a semi-sequel to Mandingo, and Rainbeaux Smith tries to rape some slaves in it. Whisper of the Heart is about a young girl who reads a lot and then writes her own book, and she interacts with other people sometimes too, and follows around an adorable cat. The Unknown is about Lon Chaney not having arms and he's in love with Joan Crawford who hates to be touched, and that should work out for them, but it doesn't.

Honorable Mentions: Keetje Tippel and All That Heaven Allows.

some really fucking good comedies I watched in 2008

The Top 10 Comedies I Watched in 2008
1. The Muppets Take Manhattan

2. Unfaithfully Yours
3. Used Cars
4. Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter?
5. Planes, Trains and Automobiles

6. The Dark Backward
7. American Pie Presents Beta House
8. The Great Muppet Caper
9. American Pie Presents The Naked Mile
10. Sullivan's Travels

The Muppets Take Manhattan is about the muppets struggling to put on a show on Broadway, and it's hilarious and weird and amazing.

Unfaithfully Yours is about a husband who suspects his wife of cheating, and has some elaborate fantasy sequences about how he's going to deal with it, one involving murder that is totally amazing. Used Cars is about Kurt Russell as a sleazy used car salesman trying to prevent his business from being taken over by the fancier lot across the street. Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter? is about Jayne Mansfield helping out an ad executive. Planes, Trains and Automobiles is about Steve Martin trying to get home for Thanksgiving, but John Candy keeps fucking everything up.

The Dark Backward is about a stand-up comedian who tells non-jokes, who starts growing an arm out of his back. American Pie Presents Beta House is about a fraternity, and that's pretty much it, but it's kind of a perfect sex comedy. The Great Muppet Caper is about the muppets trying to find out who stole some jewelry, and Charles Grodin being in love with Miss Piggy. American Pie Presents The Naked Mile is about Stifler's cousin visiting another cousin in college, and running a mile naked, and there's a really horrible love story in it, but it's otherwise sort of amazing, and overall, all of the American Pie straight-to-video movies are actually way better than the original trilogy, and don't get me wrong, they're totally retarded, but I still found them really funny. Sullivan's Travels is about a director who has never had any misery in his life, so he becomes homeless for awhile as research.

Honorable Mentions: American Pie Presents Band Camp, Ski School, Ball of Fire, and The Muppet Movie.

2008 Reviews, part 1 (including 2 Best Picture nominees!)

12/1

Role Models (2008, David Wain, 35mm) - 9
Paul Rudd and Seann William Scott get in trouble, and so they have to do community service by being Big Brothers to some troubled kids, and it's really hilarious and great, and I love everyone in the cast.
Poster: So random. Whose legs are those? Jane Lynch's? This is the only poster I could find with both of the kids pictured. There was one that only had McLovin pictured (and Paul Rudd and Seann William Scott), but not the black kid, because that particular poster designer is a racist. Didn't they see the movie? How can you leave that kid off the poster after seeing how adorable he looked dressed up as Gene Simmons? 7.

12/2

Transporter 3 (2008, Olivier Megaton, 35mm) - 5
Jason Statham is forced to transport something even though he doesn't want to, and there's a girl with him, and there's not enough action in it, and when there is, the action's not even all that great, and the story is pretty boring, too, so this was a huge disappointment.
Poster: On a scale of 9 to 10, Jason Statham's face here is only a 9. 9.

12/6

Milk (2008, Gus Van Sant, 35mm) - 9
Harvey Milk is gay and he becomes a politician in San Francisco until Josh Brolin kills him. It's really great, and sort of perfect, but also sort of too perfect, because there's nothing that really stands out about it. The one thing that's definitely done wrong is his death scene, which I thought was a little cheesy with him looking at the opera banner across the street as if that means something, and I hated that it cut to a pointless flashback where we hear for the third time that he's under 50, and it's like, yeah, I fucking got it already, he died too soon, and so I guess that's really why I left the movie feeling a lot less underwhelmed than I should have. I still loved it overall, though. And as I mentioned here already, it reminded me a lot of Selena. Also, I saw it at the Castro theater, as featured in the movie, which was exciting.

12/8

Britney: For the Record (2008, Phil Griffin, mtv) - 7
TV documentary about Britney and her road to recovery. It's not especially enlightening or anything, but I liked it, and her final line was adorable. I really love her new album, by the way. It's a million times better than Blackout. And I finally watched the video for Circus, too, and it's not mind-blowing or anything, but she looks about the best she has ever looked.

12/9

Choke (2008, Clark Gregg, 35mm) - 8
Sam Rockwell is a sex addict who has issues with his mother, who's in a mental hospital. It's kinda funny, and charming, and Bijou Phillips is in it, which I didn't even know beforehand, so that was a pleasant surprise. I liked it a lot.

12/11

What We Do Is Secret (2008, Rodger Grossman, 35mm) - 8
Story of The Germs. I felt like it probably should've been a whole lot grittier, and at times, I thought it was pretty stupid, but by the end, I was sad and stuff, so I guess it was good. I liked that a lot of their music was featured, and it reminded me how much I used to love The Germs. The cast is good, too. Bijou Phillips is in this movie, too, as Lorna Doom, and she was great, and I really liked the Mexican guy from Reaper as Pat Smear. Shane West was ok.

Changeling (2008, Clint Eastwood, 35mm) - 9.5
Angelina Jolie's son disappears, and the police claim to find him, but the boy they return to her is NOT HER SON. This movie is uncomfortably depressing. I think it's definitely one of the best films of the year.

12/18

My Name Is Bruce (2008, Bruce Campbell, 35mm) - 7
A town kidnaps Bruce Campbell hoping he can help them defeat a monster, and he thinks he's just on a set or something, I don't know, it kinda didn't make sense, and eventually he gives up, but then he feels bad and comes back. My expectations were kinda low because I thought Man with the Screaming Brain was pretty disappointing, but this one was better than I expected. He was also there on opening night to do an interview with Peaches Christ, and an audience Q&A, and if you ever have the opportunity to see a Bruce Campbell live appearance, fucking go to it, because he's fucking amazing.

Timecrimes (rewatch, 2008, Nacho Vigalondo, 35mm) - 10
It's a thriller about time travel, and that is all that should be said about it. Also, that there's violence and nudity. Don't watch the trailer, it gives too much away. Just watch the fucking movie, it's incredible. And it's absolutely nothing like Primer. I haven't actually seen Primer, but I hear it's terrible, and Timecrimes is the opposite of terrible. Fucking see it. Right now. If you're in the Bay Area, it plays at the Red Vic on February 6th and 7th.
Poster: Another example of how they completely fucked up the marketing on this movie. This poster is fucking awesome. Easily one of the greatest posters of the year this side of Beverly Hill Chihuahua. And yet, in addition to a shitty trailer, the US poster that went up everywhere was this bland piece of shit (which isn't that bad really, but the original is so striking, and this one definitely doesn't draw you in). What the fuck, studio that distributed it? 10.

12/22

Slumdog Millionaire (2008, Danny Boyle & Loveleen Tandan, 35mm) - 5.5
A contestant on Who Wants to Be A Millionaire: India Edition is about to make a bunch of money, and the producers think he cheated, so he tells his life story, and how he came to know each of the answers. This is a novel way to tell the story, and it's basically a pretty interesting life story, but I was really unsatisfied with some of the explanations of how he knew the answers. Like, he knew who invented the revolver because his brother once shot someone? And there's one part where he gives someone a hundred dollar bill, and the person tells him whose picture is on it (one of the questions), but like, it doesn't explain where the fuck he got $100. I thought he was supposed to be poor. Also, did he really learn all the Millionaire questions throughout his life in the exact order that they happened to be asked on the show? Above anything else, though, it's a story all about destiny, and destiny is something I really don't give a shit about. And besides, the movie is trying to say that luck had nothing to do with getting him where he is, it all happened because it was Written. But whatever, it was his destiny to be lucky. It's a watchable enough movie, but I like it less the more I think about it.

some really fucking good action movies I watched in 2008

The Top 10 Action Movies I Watched in 2008
1. Torque

2. Flesh+Blood
3. Casino Royale

4. Cobra
5. Licence To Kill

6. Bad Boys
7. Moonraker
8. Bad Boys II
9. Eight Diagram Pole Fighter
10. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Torque is about a motorcyclist who has the law after him, as well as Ice Cube, all for some shit he didn't even do, and it's by far the most stylistically over-the-top movie I've ever seen.

Flesh+Blood is about Jennifer Jason Leigh being kidnapped by some medieval mercenaries led by Rutger Hauer, and it's fucking brutal and epic and really fucking awesome. Casino Royale is about James Bond (Daniel Craig) being a reckless, sociopathic badass who plays poker and kills people.

Cobra is about crime being a disease, and Sylvester Stallone being the cure. Licence to Kill is about James Bond (Timothy Dalton) being a reckless, sociopathic badass who doesn't play any poker in the movie, but he does ruthlessly kill a bunch of people while seeking revenge, and anyone who likes Craig as Bond but doesn't like Dalton is fucking retarded because they play him exactly the same way.

Bad Boys and Bad Boys II are about Will Smith and Martin Lawrence as cops who fuck shit up, and the second one is a little long and less funny, but it is still a good fucking movie no matter what anyone says, and Michael Bay is an amazing director. Moonraker is about James Bond (Roger Moore) going to different countries and fucking different girls, and eventually having a laser fight in space. Eight Diagram Pole Fighter is a kung fu movie about kung fu stuff happening and people getting their teeth knocked out. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is about Robert Downey Jr. getting involved in some crime stuff with Val Kilmer.

Honorable Mentions: Mission: Impossible 1, 2, and 3, The Living Daylights, and Die Another Day.

Just in time! Christmas Reviews, part 1.

12/1

Meet Me in St. Louis (1944, Vincente Minnelli, dvd) - 9
Judy Garland and her family live in St. Louis, and her father gets a job in New York, so they all have to move, but don't want to, and they make the best out of their remaining time. There's a little girl in it (Margaret O'Brien) who says some fucking amazing shit, and there's also a Halloween scene involving her that is totally weird and awesome.

12/2

Four Christmases (2008, Seth Gordon, 35mm) - 6.5
Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon are trying to fuck off to the Bahamas or something for Christmas, after telling their parents they were helping orphans in Africa, but their flight is grounded, and they end up on the news, so instead they have to spend Four Christmases with each of their parents, and their families are all kind of quirky or crazy, and then they learn that even though they've been happily married for a few years, they apparently don't know each other very well, and they learn some lessons, I think. I just made it sound pretty bad, but it's actually alright. It's watchable, and there's some funny moments. Steve Wiebe has a random, pointless cameo.

12/3

Remember the Night (1940, Mitchel Leisen, vhs) - 7
Barbara Stanwyck is caught shoplifting just before Christmas, and Fred MacMurray is her prosecutor, and he postpones the trial because it'll be easier to get a conviction after Christmas is over, but then they end up spending the holiday together, and they fall in love. The cast was good, and it was a decent enough story, but it didn't really do anything special.

12/4

Silent Night, Bloody Night (1974, Theodore Gershuny, dvd) - 3
There's a house that used to be a mental institution, and someone inherits it, and then some creepy phone calls are made, possibly from an escaped serial killer, and eventually someone gets stabbed in the eye with a broken wine glass, but aside from that, it's fucking boring. This is not to be confused with the greatest Christmas movie ever made, Silent Night, Deadly Night.
Poster: Really awesome. Looks like it would be a great movie. 9.

12/5

Little Women (1994, Gilliam Armstrong, vhs) - 5
Susan Sarandon and her four daughters are living in the 1800's, and they go through some shit, and meet some people like Christian Bale. It's alright. I don't really like period movies.

12/7

A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All! (2008, comedy central) - 5
Stephen Colbert has to get to his studio to film a Christmas special, but he's trapped in his cabin because there's a bear outside, and a bunch of people come to visit him and sing songs. Some of it was ok, but all the songs were really bad. I tried to be into it at first, but as soon as Willie Nelson showed up and sang a song about (you'll never guess) pot, I kinda gave up.
Cover: Every little detail is really perfect. The two different stockings, one for Stephen and one for Colbert. The fact that he's holding the very DVD you're currently looking at (or presumably, also holding). And the fact that there's a stack of said DVDs in front of him, as well as a bunch wrapped up already under the tree. Also, you can't tell here, but in the corner of his fireplace, it says "MUTE", because it's actually a TV. I just wish the actual episode had been half as amazing as the DVD cover (I guess that's a bad way to phrase it, because according to my ratings, it is exactly half as amazing). 10.

The Office Christmas Special (2003, Ricky Gervais & Stephen Merchant, dvd) - 9
Ricky Gervais' David Brent is trying to get by three years after getting fired from The Office, mostly by making celebrity appearances in bars where nobody recognizes him, and he still occasionally stops by his old workplace. A lot of it is really sad and bleak and kind of uncomfortable (which I thought was fucking great), but there's plenty of funny moments, too, in particular the pop song and music video Brent made.

some really fucking good exploitation movies and crime/noir/thrillers I watched in 2008

The Top 5 Exploitation Movies I Watched in 2008
1. Vixen!

2. Score
3. Don't Deliver Us from Evil
4. Night Child
5. Love Toy

Vixen! is a Russ Meyer movie starring Erica Gavin as a racist nymphomaniac, and I think the dialogue, the fast pace, the sex, and the weirdness are all executed the best out of any Russ Meyer movie I've seen.

Score is about a couple of swingers seducing members of the same sex, and it's really fun and awesome. Don't Deliver Us from Evil is about a couple of teenage girls who worship Satan, and like to tease men and kill birds. Night Child is about a creepy kid who probably killed his own mother, and Britt Ekland trying to get to the bottom of it. Love Toy is a Doris Wishman movie about a sleazy guy winning a night of bizarre roleplaying with his friend's daughter through a game of Gin Rummy.

The Top 10 Crime/Noir Movies or Thrillers I Watched in 2008
1. The Collector

2. Sunset Boulevard
3. Kiss of Death
4. D.O.A.
5. Body of Evidence

6. Fight for Your Life
7. Pickup On South Street
8. The Story of Molly X
9. The Machinist
10. Mikey & Nicky

The Collector is about Terence Stamp kidnapping Samantha Eggar and trying to get her to fall in love with him.

Sunset Boulevard is about an aspiring screenwriter trying to write a script for the aging film star he's living with, who is falling in love with him. Kiss of Death is about a rat trying to get information on Richard Widmark, and things go wrong, so Widmark sets out to kill him. D.O.A. is about Edmund O'Brien drinking some poison that gives him only a day to live, and to find out who killed him. Body of Evidence is about Madonna allegedly fucking someone to death, and Willem Dafoe trying to figure out if she did it or not by fucking her himself, and it's roughly the same movie as Basic Instinct, but even sleazier.

Fight for Your Life is about a racist thug invading the home of a black family, and torturing them for awhile, and it's totally an exploitation movie, but I put it here instead because I wanted to have a Top 5 and Top 10 instead of a Top 6 and Top 9. Pickup On South Street is about Richard Widmark pickpocketing some important Communist materials, and the trouble that ensues. The Story of Molly X is about a woman who robs and kills people without remorse, who gets sent to a cushy reform prison. The Machinist is about Christian Bale not being able to sleep. Mikey & Nicky is about the mob wanting to kill John Cassavetes, so he calls Peter Falk to help him out, but Falk may not be trustworthy.

some really fucking good musicals, westerns, documentaries, 80's, and sci-fi movies I watched in 2008

The Top 4 Musicals I Watched in 2008
1. Meet Me in St. Louis
2. Viva Las Vegas
3. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
4. Swing Time

Meet Me in St. Louis is about Judy Garland and her family living in St. Louis, but they might have to move to New York, but none of them want to, and the death-obsessed little sister in the movie is amazing. Viva Las Vegas is about Ann-Margret being an amazing dancer, and also Elvis is in it. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is about a misfit reindeer and misfit elf who wants to be a dentist, and I had never seen it before, and it was great. Swing Time is about Fred Astaire falling in love with Ginger Rogers even though he's engaged, but it all works out in the end.

The Top 3 Westerns I Watched in 2008
1. Django
2. The Big Gundown
3. The Great Silence

Django is a Sergio Corbucci movie about Franco Nero dragging around a coffin with a machine gun inside, and pissing off both the KKK and some Mexicans, and it's really brutal and amazing, and I liked it a lot more than any Leone movie (though I usually like his movies, too), and also, if you watch Django, make sure to turn on the Italian audio, because the English dubbing makes Django sound really silly, and like, the opposite of tough. The Big Gundown is about Lee Van Cleef trying to track down Tomas Milian, because he raped and killed a little girl. The Great Silence is another Corbucci movie, and it's about a bounty hunter (Klaus Kinski) and a mute gunslinger (Jean-Louis Trintignant) trying to kill each other.

The Top 3 Documentaries I Watched in 2008
1. Hands on a Hard Body
2. The Story of Pulp's Common People
3. The Thin Blue Line

Hands on a Hard Body is about people in Texas trying to win a truck by keeping their hand on it for days at a time. The Story of Pulp's Common People is about Pulp, and how they came to write a hit song. The Thin Blue Line is about a police officer who was murdered, and whether or not the person who was convicted was actually guilty.

The Top 5 80's Movies I Watched in 2008
1. Vampire's Kiss
2. Times Square
3. The Beastmaster
4. Ladyhawke
5. American Anthem

Vampire's Kiss is about Nicolas Cage proving himself to be one of the greatest actors who ever lived. Times Square is about two girls becoming best friends and rejecting society and starting a band. The Beastmaster is about a man who can talk to animals avenging his family. Ladyhawke is about Michelle Pfeifer and Rutger Hauer being in love, but never being able to see each other because he turns into a wolf at night and she turns into a hawk during the day, so Matthew Broderick has to fix it for them. American Anthem is about a male gymnast who has to overcome some shit.

The Top 2 Sci-Fi Movies I Watched in 2008
1. Phase IV
2. Brainscan

Phase IV is about some ants and a couple scientists going to war against each other, and the photography is incredible. Brainscan is about a virtual reality game that is all too real.