Placenta Ovaries

It's Halloween Weekend, Go See This Movie!

9/24

Paranormal Activity (2009, Oren Peli, DLP, Castro) - 9.0
A young couple is haunted by a ghost or demon, so the skeptical boyfriend begins to film themselves sleeping every night, with increasingly disturbing results. It has a great concept behind it, because instead of the typical house haunting, the ghost is actually haunting the girl herself, and has followed her around most of her life, so there’s no way for her to escape. The whole movie is told through the boyfriend’s camera, which is rapidly becoming a very familiar tactic at this point, but I still find it hugely effective. This movie reminded me most of Christopher Denham’s Home Movie, about creepy kids, which overall I liked a little more, but Paranormal Activity is definitely a lot scarier.

And on that point, a lot is being made of how the film doesn’t rely on gore or violence, and instead things are left to your imagination. That’s being used as a selling point, as if that alone makes it superior to those horror films that do rely on such methods. Since I happen to adore gore and violence, I wanted to take a different approach. Horror is, without a doubt, my favorite genre of film. I watch as many horror movies as I can possibly consume, and I love it in all of it’s varied forms. But I don’t find them scary. Like, ever. Apparently, I simply don’t have an imagination, because suspense is frequently lost on me. Whenever something happens offscreen, and I’m left to create what happened inside my own head, it’s not my imagination that runs wild, but frustration. So if I’m watching a monster movie, I want to see the fucking monster. And if I’m watching a slasher, I want extreme fucking close-ups of every last graphic detail of what the killer is inflicting on his victims. I don’t need gore to enjoy horror, there are plenty of other reasons I love the genre, but I definitely consider it an enhancement to any film. I like it when movies can scare me as well, but it just happens too rarely for me to judge a movie if it doesn’t.

Paranormal Activity is one out of a midget’s handful of films that actually fucking terrified me. There are quite a few scenes that completely creeped me the fuck out, and I happily give it due credit for pulling that off. The simplicity of some of the things that occur, often done without any effects, are exactly what makes the film seem so plausible. It’s not hard to picture the exact same events taking place in my own home.

It’s so effectively scary, however, that I was a bit disappointed when it all ends with a cheap jump scare (I hope no one considers that a spoiler, I apologize if you do). Now I love cheap jump scares. LOVE them. Especially at the very end of a movie right before the credits start. But here, it felt too incongruous to the rest of the movie, none of which could be considered “cheap”. Apparently, multiple endings were shot, and there’s even a different ending on the screener copy that’s been floating around the last couple years. I caught one of the advance screenings last month before it’s wide release, so for all I know, I’ve seen a different one as well. And it’s a minor issue, anyway, so please ignore that I even brought it up.

In short, Paranormal Activity is an incredible horror film, in spite of the fact that it does not embrace gore or violence.

Linda Blair Reviews, Part 1

In anticipation of meeting Linda Blair a couple months ago, I watched every single one of her movies that I hadn't seen yet that I was able to track down. Here's the first batch of them.

6/7

Bail Out (1989, Max Kleven, DVD) - 8.0
Three bail bondsmen named White Bread (a white guy, David Hasselhoff), Bean (a Mexican), and Blue (obviously, a Black guy), are hired to protect Linda Blair because she witnessed a murder among drug dealers, but they do a pretty bad job of it, and she gets taken, and then they have to save her. It’s a pretty fun movie about the exciting adventures of bail bondsmen, with an excellent performance from Hasselhoff.

Up Your Alley (1988, Bob Logan, VHS) - 7.5
There’s a serial killer stalking and killing the homeless, so newspaper reporter Linda Blair goes undercover to write a story about it, and she meets a kind and handsome transient who shows her the ropes of homelessness, and they fall in love. Sweet and simple romantic comedy about homeless people being murdered.

6/10

Ruckus (1981, Max Kleven, DVD) - 6.0
A Vietnam vet comes through a small town, and he’s dirty and rude, so people don’t like him, but Linda Blair does, and that makes people like him even less, and so he goes to war with the entire town. It’s the same basic plot as First Blood. Kinda boring, but Linda Blair looks great.

6/11

Victory at Entebbe (1976, Marvin J. Chomsky, VHS) - 4.0
A plane from Israel gets hijacked by terrorists in Uganda, and they hold everyone hostage for awhile. Really boring terrorism story. Kept waiting for Jack Bauer to fix everything.

6/14

Airport 1975 (1974, Jack Smight, Roku) - 9.0
Oh my god, so here’s what happens. A small plane crashes into a large commercial plane with a bunch of passengers, and it kills and badly injures the pilots, so flight attendant Karen Black has to be coached through how to put the plane into cruise control, until a real pilot can parachute into the cockpit. I should really be watching more disaster movies. This was fucking amazing.

The Powder Puff Principle (Short, 2006, John Burgess, Download) - 6.0
Clint Howard is a hated principal of a high school, and when he cancels a big football game, someone paints a lewd mural of him in the gym, and he wants to know who did it. Pretty decent short with a terrible soundtrack and a short cameo at the end from LB.

6/15

Sorceress (1995, Jim Wynorski, DVD) - 7.0
There are some witches who are fighting about stuff, and there’s a guy involved, and a bunch of sex happens. I don’t remember much more than that. It was kinda weird watching generic softcore now that I’m older than 15, and was actually renting it and didn’t just stumble across it on Cinemax at 3 in the morning in the family room at my mom’s house. Weird, but worth it. Linda Blair was pretty good (honestly, I don’t even remember if she was or not, but she usually is.)

Teddy Scares (Short, 2006, William Vaughan, Download) - 5.0
Animated student film about goth teddy bears. Linda Blair, Clive Barker, and Rick Baker do voices. It was ok.

6/17

Bedroom Eyes II (1990, Chuck Vincent, VHS) - 7.0
Wings Hauser plays the businessman from the first movie, who meets a woman (Linda Blair) who looks exactly like his first wife, and then the killer from the first movie is out of prison, and it all leads to trouble. Decent story, but it just wasn't exciting enough. And Linda Blair gets killed halfway through.

June Reviews, Part 2

Kittysneezes.com, which is based in Washington, is posting daily articles related to queer stuff, to raise awareness for Referendum 71. So I wrote something for them called A Straight Person's Top 10 Guide To Movies About The Gay People, and you should check it out if you're not homophobic, and possibly even if you are.

6/4

Land of the Lost (2009, Brad Silberling, 35mm, Balboa) - 8.5
Will Ferrell is a scientist who believes in time travel, but no one takes him seriously after an embarassing interview with Matt Lauer, until Anna Friel convinces him to try out his time machine again, and it works, and they end up in the past along with Danny McBride, and they meet a creepy caveman named Chaka, and have adventures together dealing with sleestaks and dinosaurs. Nobody fucking saw this movie, and I think a lot of the people who did didn’t really get it, but it’s seriously fucking awesome. It’s pretty much a kids’ movie, but it’s got a hard edge to it, in the same kind of way 80’s kids’ movies did. It’s got some really hilarious stuff in it, that I can’t imagine any Will Ferrell fan not finding satisfying, and it’s just a fun and creative adventure story. It might take 15 years, but I believe this will eventually have a much deserved cult following. Sam Rockwell came to see it at my theater, and I don't know if he liked it or not, but just the fact that he saw it should prove that it's amazing. He was in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, you guys.

6/6

The Hangover (2009, Todd Phillips, 35mm, Vogue) - 9.0
Four friends go to Vegas for a bachelor party, and when they wake up the next morning, the groom-to-be is missing, and none of the remaining three have any memory of what happened the night before, so using various strange clues they’ve been left, they retrace their steps to find out what the fuck happened the night before, and where their friend is. Basically the exact same plot as Dude, Where’s My Car?, but with a person instead of a car, and everywhere that film failed to reach it’s potential from an interesting plot device, The Hangover actually delivers. This is a fucking hilarious movie, that smartly ties up all the loose ends, no matter how absurd they initially seem. Zack Galifianakis is especially incredible, managing to be extremely funny while equally creepy. Great fucking movie.

6/7

Lola Montes (1955, Max Ophuls, 35mm, Red Vic) - 3.0
Lola Montes tells her scandalous life story through flashbacks as part of a circus act. It didn’t annoy me enough to say that it’s a bad movie, but it definitely wasn’t for me. Pretty boring.

6/8

Partly Cloudy (Short, 2009, Peter Sohn, Disney Digital 3D, Castro) - 8.0
Some clouds make babies (human and animal) for storks to deliver, and one cloud can only make dangerous animal babies, like porcupines and crocodiles, that are difficult for it’s stork to handle. Nothing amazing, but very cute.

6/8 and 9/7

Up (2009, Pete Docter & Bob Peterson, Disney Digital 3D/35mm, Castro/Red Vic) - 9.0
An old man is being sent to a retirement home, but he doesn’t want to go, so he ties a bunch of balloons to his house and takes off to South America, where he always intended to go with his wife, who recently passed. He’s joined by a young boy trying to earn his assisting-the-elderly badge, and once in South America, a talking dog and an exotic bird. Pixar’s ability to tell a story through subtle means is as impressive as ever, particularly in the first 15 minutes, which goes through the old man’s entire life with his wife. I don’t think it’s Pixar’s best film, but it may be their most thrilling, as it’s a fantastic, action-packed adventure movie, with some very emotional moments.

6/9

Old School (2003, Todd Phillips, DVD) - 8.0
Luke Wilson is middle-aged and moves into a house on a college campus, and along with his friends Will Ferrell and Vince Vaughn, they start up a fraternity to reclaim their youth. It’s pretty funny.

6/12

The Proposition (2006, John Hillcoat, Blu-ray) - 5.0
Ray Winstone is a sheriff or something, and he tells Guy Pearce that unless he finds and kills his own dangerous older brother, Winstone will kill his innocent younger brother. Great concept, with an awesome amount of blood and violence, but way too slow-moving, and I hated every character, so didn’t fucking care what happened to anyone.

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (2009, Tony Scott, 35mm, Balboa) - 8.0
John Travolta hijacks a subway train, and threatens to start killing people if New York doesn’t give him a bunch of money, and Denzel Washington works for the subway system, and ends up serving as the negotiator. Denzel is good, and Travolta is amazingly ridiculous. At one point, he tells a motherfucker to lick his bunghole. The directing and editing is also comically retarded. This movie was great.

6/13

Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day (2008, Bharat Nalluri, DVD) - 7.5
Miss Pettigrew (Frances McDormand) gets fired as a governess, so she steals a business card, and shows up to help Amy Adams, who is juggling some men and living the fast life. Pettigrew does a great job, so everything works out for everyone. Amy Adams is totally adorable, and it’s kinda charming how morally ambiguous it is.

6/17

Bedroom Eyes (1984, William Fruet, VHS) - 9.0
A businessman out jogging one night comes across an open window where a woman is stripping down. Discovering his inner peeping tom, he returns to the window every night, until the girl ends up dead, with a trail of clues leading to him having done it. It’s a really perfect and amazing erotic thriller, that seems tailormade for grainy VHS. Actually lives up to it’s incredible poster.

The Proposal (2009, Anne Fletcher, 35mm, Balboa) - 7.5
Ryan Reynolds is Sandra Bullock’s personal assistant, and she’s a bitch, but also Canadian, and under the risk of deportation, she convinces Reynolds to marry her, and even though they hate each other at first, they eventually find themselves getting along. In kind of a refreshing and realistic twist, they’re not actually in love at the end of the movie, just willing to start dating. It’s not great, but I like the leads a lot, and it’s got some funny stuff in it.

Also rewatched The Muppet Movie (1979, James Frawley, 35mm, Clay) - 7.5 on 6/6. Full review here from last year. I gave it a slightly lower score this time, but yeah, still a good movie.

June Reviews, Part 1

Night at the Museum (2006, Shawn Levy, DVD) - 6.0
Ben Stiller needs a job, so he gets one as the night watchman at the Museum of Natural History, and it turns out everything there comes alive at night. It’s not very funny, but it’s entertaining enough. The little kid in it was fucking awful. I want to see the sequel because Amy Adams is in it, but otherwise, I wouldn’t bother.

Terminator Salvation (2009, McG, 35mm, Van Ness) - 7.0
It’s the future, and the machines have taken over the world, and John Connor is all grown up and starting to build up a following, and inspire people to fight back, and meanwhile, his father who is still a teenager is in peril, and John goes out of his way to protect him. It’s pretty good, but doesn’t really add much to the Terminator saga. My least favorite of the series.

6/1, 9/5, and 10/17

Drag Me to Hell (2009, Sam Raimi, 35mm/Blu-ray, Van Ness/Red Vic) - 10.0
Alison Lohman is a loan officer at a bank hoping to get a promotion, and some gypsy bitch comes in who doesn’t understand capitalism, asking for a third loan to pay off some debts, and Lohman turns her down, so the gypsy grabs at her and Lohman calls security, and the gypsy woman says she’s been shamed, so she hides out in Lohman’s car, which leads to an incredible fight scene involving office supplies, and ends with the gypsy cursing her. The curse causes terrifying hallucinations, and Lohman has three days to figure a way out of it, or she’s gonna be dragged to hell. It’s gross and fun and actually pretty fucking scary, with moments of humor blended in as well. Alison Lohman is fucking amazing, and could not have been more perfect for the role. She’s relatable and lovable, and as she continually makes darker decisions in order to fend off the curse, it remains easy to support her and root for her to win. She nails all her comedic moments as well, and the scene where she’s questioned about her cat is one of my favorites in the movie. Originally, Ellen Page was supposed to play the role, and although I really like Ellen Page, I don’t think she could’ve pulled it off nearly as well as Lohman. Justin Long was also very good, and easily relatable, as the supportive boyfriend who clearly loves her unconditionally, and will do whatever he can to help her out. The ending of the movie is cruel and upsetting, and absolutely fucking perfect. I’ve watched it three times now, the last time being on the Unrated Blu-ray, which has only a few extra seconds, but they make it a few extra seconds better of a movie.

6/2

Keoma (1976, Enzo G. Castellari, DVD) - 7.0
Franco Nero is a hairy halfbreed named Keoma who returns to his hometown, and finds it under the rule of a nasty criminal, who is being aided by Keoma’s three half-brothers, who were always bullies, and so to help out some girl he met, and the rest of the town, Keoma shoots everyone. It’s alright, but just wasn’t bloody enough or mean enough for me. A lot of people are killed, which is great, but they just kinda fall down and then it’s done, and it’s boring. The soundtrack, though, which frequently vocalizes the story you’re seeing on screen, is ridiculous and amazing.

6/3

Megaforce (1982, Hal Needham, VHS) - 9.0
Megaforce is a secret army led by Barry Bostwick who are hired by a peaceful city to prevent the bullying neighboring city from continuing to fuck with them all the time. The neighboring city’s military is led by Henry Silva, who is an old buddy of Bostwick, and when they meet up, they are thrilled to see each other even though they are fighting, just as everyone else is constantly thrilled to see one another, as this just may be the cheeriest movie ever made. The actual plot of the movie is not very important, as it’s all about watching actors who could not possibly be having any more fun making an amazing futuristic sci-fi adventure movie.

6/4

Motor Psycho (1965, Russ Meyer, DVD) - 8.0
A motorcycle gang blazes through town, raping and killing people, so Haji and Alex Rocco team up to fight back. One of Meyer’s sleazier and meaner movies, but still pretty funny at times.

6/5

The Evil Dead (Rewatch, 1981, Sam Raimi, Roku) - 9.0
Bruce Campbell and some friends go to a cabin in the woods for a vacation, and they find the Necronomicon, which they read out loud from, unleashing demonic forces, who possess everyone except Campbell. Great fucking movie, with extremely impressive gore and effects given the budget. The scene where the girl gets raped by “the woods themselves” is amazing.

7/22 and 7/25

Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn (Rewatch, 1987, Sam Raimi, 35mm, Bridge) - 9.0
Ash returns to his favorite vacation spot, a cabin in the woods where people frequently become possessed by evil. The first to fall victim to this is Ash’s girlfriend, and before there’s even time to ask her “What’s wrong?” Ash has already chopped her head off. The mayhem continues non-stop from there, and it’s totally fun and amazing and great.

6/19

Sam Raimi & Friends Short Films
Cleveland Smith, Bounty Hunter (1982, Josh Becker, VHS) - 7.0
Torro, Torro, Torro! (1981, Josh Becker & Scott Spiegel, VHS) - 6.0
The Blind Waiter (1980, Scott Spiegel & Josh Becker, VHS) - 2.0
Attack of the Helping Hand! (1979, Scott Spiegel, VHS) - 6.0
The Sappy Sap (1985, Sam Raimi, VHS) - 6.0
Six Months to Live (1977, Sam Raimi & Scott Spiegel, Download) - 4.0
Clockwork (1979, Sam Raimi, Download) - 7.0
Within the Woods (Rewatch, 1979, Sam Raimi, Download) - 8.0
A few of the shorts Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell made with their friends when they were much younger. It’s an interesting look into the development of Raimi’s style and innovation, but the humor always leans toward really awful slapstick. That humor can sometimes work in the context of gory horror, but when it’s just a regular comedy, it tends to be painful. Most of the shorts had enough other stuff going on to at least be interesting, but one called The Blind Waiter was fucking brutal, and seemed to go on forever. Within the Woods is a precursor to Evil Dead, which they made to prove they were capable of making a feature horror film, and it’s pretty good, but unfortunately only exists in nearly unwatchable quality.

May Reviews, Part 4

TV
5/27

Flavor of Love Season 1 (Cris Abrego & Mark Cronin, DVD) - 9.5
Flavor Flav tries to find love among a group of trashy contestants. When I rented this, I had been watching For the Love of Ray J and Rock of Love Bus, and starting to think that maybe I was just over the whole trashy reality show thing. It took about 10 seconds into the first episode for me to realize that those were just terrible shows, because this shit is non-stop fucking incredible entertainment. The only thing that made me sad was realizing how much of a difference it actually makes watching it uncensored. It all flies by so fast, it’s crazy how much you can miss, especially during screaming fights, and seeing it on DVD felt like the only acceptable way to be watching it.

5/28

24 Season 3 (Joel Surnow & Robert Cochran, DVD) - 10.0
There’s a threat of a deadly, fast-acting virus being spread through LA, and that ends up being released in a hotel, and Jack Bauer has to do some insane shit to keep things under control. My favorite season so far. Riveting and crazy.

5/30

Reaper Season 2 (Tara Butters & Michele Fazekas, CW) - 9.5
Sam continues capturing souls for the devil, while constantly trying to figure out how to get out of his contract. It’s a great fucking show, and keeps getting better. The whole cast is really good, but Tyler Labine is especially hilarious and amazing.

Movies
5/30

Point Blank (1967, John Boorman, DVD) - 8.0
Lee Marvin is double-crossed by his partner in crime, John Vernon, who leaves him for dead, but Marvin resurfaces and sets out on a mission to get his money from the deal he was scammed on. Lee Marvin is great. Tough, but with some humor, and it’s a solid crime story. I loved the angle that he didn’t really care about revenge, all he wanted was to get paid, and if this required throwing John Vernon naked off a building, then that was just a bonus.

5/31

The Inglorious Bastards (1978, Enzo G. Castellari, 35mm, Yerba Buena) - 6.0
It’s WWII and some soldiers are being driven to Army jail, but they escape, and end up getting involved in a mission to steal a warhead from the Nazis. It’s not too bad, but kinda forgettable. In fact, I had actually seen it before under the title G.I. Bro, and didn’t even realize it until I looked it up later. It definitely has it’s moments, though:

New York Confidential (1955, Russell Rouse, 16mm, Roxie) - 6.5
A mob hitman is hired to protect a mob boss, and they are loyal to each other, and the hitman and the boss’ daughter have some chemistry, but don’t pursue it, and eventually the syndicate wants the hitman to kill his boss. It’s pretty good, but I was really tired when I saw it, and managed to fall asleep and completely miss the ending, which from reading a thorough plot synopsis, sounds awesome.

Private Hell 36 (1954, Don Siegel, 16mm, Roxie) - 8.0
Two detectives are following a lead to uncover the money from an unsolved robbery, and when they end up finding it, one of the detectives pockets a portion of it, and the other doesn’t approve and is racked with guilt, as he doesn’t want to turn in his partner. It’s really good. Ida Lupino is great, as always.

May Top 10
1. Crank: High Voltage
2. Sorry, Haters
3. Star Trek ('09)
4. Hellboy II: The Golden Army
5. Anvil! The Story of Anvil
6. The Tooth Fairy
7. The English Surgeon
8. Bye Bye Birdie
9. Airport
10. tie: Marathon Man/Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Bottom 2
1. Darkness Falls
2. Repulsion

May Reviews, Part 3

5/21

Soldier of Orange (1977, Paul Verhoeven, DVD) - 4.0
Verhoeven majorly disappoints with this long and confusing war movie that exhibits a very rare show of restraint. The reason Paul Verhoeven is one of the greatest directors of all time is because he’s gleefully and shamelessly excessive with sex and violence. He’s basically an exploitation director with bigger budgets. With Soldier of Orange, he does manage to fit in some gratuitous tits, but even within a setting of war, the violence is almost non-existent. It’s not a terrible movie, but I’d rather watch RoboCop.

5/24

Airport (1970, George Seaton & Henry Hathaway, Roku) - 8.5
A star-studded cast leads a story about some passengers on an airplane, and the people running the airline, who end up having to deal with a guy who blows himself up while his plane is in the air. It’s a fucking awesome and intense disaster thriller.
On another note, I watched this on the Roku, which if you don’t know what that is, it’s a device that lets me watch Netflix’s Instant Watch movies on my TV, which is very convenient because I can’t fucking stand watching shit on the computer. It’s all very futuristic, this whole idea of just beaming a movie I want to see onto my television set whenever the hell I want to see it, and that’s incredible, right? But what’s weird is that despite how representative it is of the future, half of the movies are in fucking fullscreen, and look like the VHS of the past. I’m proud to still own a VCR, and I don’t mind watching VHS tapes on occasion, for certain movies (like, the ones where that’s the only format they exist on), but it just seems inappropriate for a modern device since pretty much everyone embraces widescreen these days, and lots of people even have widescreen televisions to accommodate it. And sometimes the movies actually look worse than VHS. Point Blank, for instance, was completely unwatchable (I ended up renting it). And even worse than that, was when I tried to watch the Jean-Claude Van Damme film Knock Off, it was fullscreen that had been stretched into a fake widescreen. That’s a movie I actually would’ve been willing to watch in regular fullscreen, but that option wasn’t even available, you could only watch it stretched. I made it through about five minutes before it drove me too fucking crazy to continue. But anyway, another disconcerting thing happened with Airport. Remember back in the VHS days (and occasionally, you’ll still see this on DVDs), when a movie would start off in widescreen in order to keep the opening credits from being cut off, but then as soon as the actual movie started, it would go to fullscreen? Airport, which was in HD and thus should've been correctly formatted, totally did that. Movies are shot (generally) in two different formats, either 1:85 which is what widescreen televisions are shaped for, and 2:35, which is a little wider. So when you watch a 2:35 movie on a 1:85 TV, you’re still gonna get the black bars at the top and bottom of the screen. Airport started in 2:35 for the credits, and then suddenly switched to 1:85. Basically, it had cropped off the sides of the image in order to fill my screen. It’s essentially fullscreen for widescreen TVs. I don’t know if the DVD is also like that, and I haven’t seen it happen again with the Roku, so I’m not that concerned, but I hope it’s not something that's happening regularly, as it's a giant step backwards in the world of home theater entertainment.

5/25

Tyson (2009, James Toback, 35mm, Kabuki) - 7.5
Mike Tyson talks about his entire life. Kind of weird at times to only be getting his side of the story. Like, he denies raping that woman, and gets all upset about how evil she is because he had to go to prison for a few years for no reason, but then he admits to “taking advantage of” some other women, just not that particular girl, and it’s like, even if that’s true, then he's still a fucking rapist who deserved to go to prison, and should probably still be there (or should at least be a part of a community service program where he accompanies film-lovers to midnight movies in case some asshole starts loudly making fun of it, a scenario where he can put those rapin’ skills to better use.) But on the plus side, it’s Mike fucking Tyson, and he occasionally says hilarious things, and he’s certainly interesting to listen to.

5/26
Quadruple Feature of Dentist/Teeth-Related Movies I Watched Immediately After Getting My Wisdom Teeth Removed

Marathon Man (Prewatch, 1976, John Schlesinger, DVD) - 8.5
Roy Scheider is some kind of secret agent hunting Nazi war criminals, and he gets killed, which places his little brother Dustin Hoffman in danger because the Nazis think Hoffman knows whether or not it’s safe to pick up some diamonds they hid somewhere awhile back. At one point, Hoffman is tortured by a Nazi dentist, in a famous scene that’s actually pretty tame and underwhelming, and honestly, the scene in Little Shop of Horrors with Steve Martin and Bill Murray is a lot rougher and more painful to watch. Otherwise, it’s a fucking awesome thriller, though, and Hoffman does a great job looking more and more distressed.

Little Shop of Horrors (Prewatch, 1986, Frank Oz, Roku) - 9.0
Rick Moranis works at a flower shop that isn’t doing well, but then he gets a new plant that seems to pull people into the store, and business picks up, but it turns out the plant feeds on blood, and eventually, entire people. It’s really fucking good, and Steve Martin as a sadistic dentist is fucking incredible.

Darkness Falls (2003, Jonathan Liebesman, DVD) - 3.0
Some woman who collected kids’ teeth in the 1800’s ends up getting lynched by the people of the town she lives in, and now she’s a ghost who wants revenge on some random kid who accidentally looked at her or something. At first, no one believes the little kid who’s being haunted by her, but eventually they do, and then everyone runs around scared even though all you have to do to keep her away is shine a fucking flashlight on her (seriously). It’s fucking lame.

The Tooth Fairy (2006, Chuck Bowman, Roku) - 9.0
There’s an evil tooth fairy who is after a little girl who just lost her last tooth, and she is ready to murder the fucking shit out of anyone who gets in her goddamn way. This was an amazing and hilarious fucking slasher movie, with a vicious and disgusting tooth fairy that completely blew away that pussy from Darkness Falls. This tooth fairy disposes of people with a nail gun, a hatchet, and a wood-chipper, and she’s not afraid to chop up kids or slice off a redneck’s dick, either! Fucking awesome.

5/27

The Adventures of Milo and Otis (1986, Masanori Hata, Roku) - 8.0
Milo is a cat and Otis is a dog and they meet on a farm and become BFFs, and they go on a perilous adventure together, and it’s often sort of frightening but obviously adorable. Great movie.

Another new movie, plus some older stuff

Doug Freedman from Ghost: The Movie, Pumpkin and Me, No Fatties, and West Elm Commercial wrote something for a very short movie, which we're going to make into an ongoing web series. It's called Capturin' the Freedmans. I helped out with directing and editing, and I play the role of the corpse who is not actually dead. Here's the first episode:

And this is a lot less exciting, but I uploaded something I shot on Super 8 for a class in 2002. It's my leg getting waxed. The assignment was to shoot something simple to prove that you had learned how to focus and how to use a light meter, which as you'll see, I clearly didn't. There's no sound or editing. It's really boring and it looks like shit. It was shot with way too much light, and then when I shot it through the camera off of wall projection, it looked even worse and all strobe-y, and now it's been distorted through youtube. I know I'm not exactly selling it here, but if you do watch it, then I strongly recommend putting on music. I tried it with Air Supply's Two Less Lonely People in the World and The Carpenters' Jambalaya, and both worked great. I think literally anything would work great. It's called Fire Safety. It makes a good double feature with Styling Mousse (made the same year).

And slightly more exciting, but pertaining to shit you've all seen already, No Fatties is back online, presumably for good this time. It was taken off youtube for music licensing issues, so I'm hosting it myself. CLICK HERE. I also replaced James Brown vs. Michael Jackson with a new and improved version that is 6 minutes shorter. That's like a third of the movie, so give it another try if you weren't able to make it through before, because it's totally easy viewing now. So easy that you'll be craving more when it finishes, which is why there are also Deleted Scenes to watch as well. CLICK HERE.

And finally, if anyone's interested, here's some test footage I did for the time travel sequence in STAR TREK The Motion Picture Film.

STAR TREK The Motion Picture Film

I finally finished editing and fucking around with music/sound on my latest short film, STAR TREK The Motion Picture Film. It's far from my favorite of my movies, but I think it's got some good stuff. It's basically a remake of J.J. Abrams' Star Trek from earlier this year. It's got a lot of references to the Original Series and The Next Generation, but will hopefully still be funny even if you don't get those. Randolph Dible from Facebook.com raves, "If I had to watch it again, I would!"

May Reviews, Part 2

5/15

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Rewatch, 1990, Steve Barron, 35mm, Clay) - 9.5
The Ninja Turtles fight crime in New York, most of which is orchestrated by Shredder and his gang of teen hoodlums. After Shredder’s Foot Clan captures the Turtles’ mentor Splinter, they join up with news reporter April O’Neil and local vigilante Casey Jones to bring Shredder the fuck down. It’s amazing, and not all that campy, surprisingly. It’s much more serious than the second film, but I’d say they’re both equally good in their own ways. At both movies, there were some fucking assholes in the theater who were talking during it, and it made me die a little inside because these are the fucking Ninja Turtles, how can anyone possibly fucking think that is appropriate?

7/7

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (Rewatch, 1991, Michael Pressman, 35mm, Red Vic) - 9.5
The presumed dead Shredder returns and uses some ooze to make his own mutants who are not Bebop and Rocksteady, and fights the Turtles. Some minor flaws, like the climactic introduction of the Super Shredder, who lasts all of ten seconds before the Turtles defeat him by… jumping out of the way and letting him kill himself. But nothing like that really matters because the whole thing is so fucking fun and hilarious, and the scene with Vanilla Ice is truly one of cinema’s greatest moments.

5/17

The English Surgeon (2009, Geoffrey Smith, Projected Beta-SP, Red Vic) - 9.0
Documentary about a brain surgeon, who constantly has to make difficult decisions, and tell people traumatic news. There are some really intense scenes, both of surgery and bad news-breaking. It’s really good.

5/18

Bye Bye Birdie (1963, George Sidney, TCM) - 8.5
Ann-Margret wins a contest to kiss a dreamboat rock 'n roll star on TV before he’s drafted. Apparently, stars Dick Van Dyke and Paul Lynde, who had both been in the Broadway production, were dissatisfied with the film because it focused too heavily on Ann-Margret’s character. They're fucking idiots. It’s a good story, with some excellent musical numbers and decent humor (Lynde, in particular, is hilarious), but it is the tour-de-force adorableness of Ann-fucking-Margret that truly elevates the film to something great. She’s fucking amazing, and George Sidney definitely did the right goddamn thing by making it her story.

Puzzle of a Downfall Child (1970, Jerry Schatzberger, 35mm, Castro) - 6.0
Faye Dunaway is a fashion model telling the story of her life. The sound at the theater got all fucked up halfway through, so I couldn’t really follow it from that point, and I’m not sure I was following it before that either because it’s kind of a weird movie. But it’s good if you like fashion, I guess.

5/19

Repulsion (Prewatch, 1965, Roman Polanski, 35mm, Castro) - 3.0
Catherine Deneuve is left alone in her apartment, and starts going crazy and hallucinating. I had seen this before and didn’t really like it, but felt it was worth trying again. It’s not necessarily a boring movie, but there’s just something about it that makes it absolutely fucking impossible to pay any attention to, no matter how hard I tried. There’s some good imagery, but it’s useless without any connection to what’s happening.

Possession (Rewatch, 1981, Andrzej Zulawski, 35mm, Castro) - 9.0
Sam Neill and Isabelle Adjani are a couple who both have great faces, and who fight a lot, and she might be cheating on him, but it turns out to be a monster. It’s a very stressful movie that’s basically about two people screaming at each other, but it’s strange enough to have a compelling brilliance to it. This was the U.S. cut that is 45 minutes shorter than it’s supposed to be, but it’s cut for the opposite reason that most films are. Rather than remove anything scandalous, it instead takes out all the filler, or any scenes where people talk even remotely normal to each other, and instead reshapes it into an incoherent compilation of intensity and violence. Obviously, I preferred this version, as that’s basically how I wish every movie was edited, but there are arguments for the longer cut as well, which actually has a build to it, and a lot more story.

5/20

Johnny Guitar (1954, Nicholas Ray, 35mm, Castro) - 7.5
Joan Crawford owns a saloon, and the people in town don’t like her, and think she’s hiding criminals, so Sterling Hayden comes by to help her out. Crawford looks intense and is awesome, and Mercedes McCambridge acts fucking intense as a shrill and intimidating villian. It’s a rare female-driven Western that wasn’t as amazing as it could’ve been, but I liked it quite a bit.

5/21

Super High Me (2008, Michael Blieden, Roku) - 6.5
Doug Benson, one of my favorite stand-up comedians, and the host of the amazing I Love Movies podcast, takes inspiration from Morgan Spurlock's Super Size Me by staying completely sober for 30 days, and then smoking pot constantly for 30 days, and nothing is really learned from it, as was pretty much expected. Naturally, there’s plenty of funny stuff, but the movie’s major flaw is that it occasionally very feebly attempts to make a statement. There’s all this footage of dispensaries being raided by the cops, and it’s not like Doug Benson is there commenting or anything, it’s just completely random footage that has no place in a comedic documentary. And when it comes down to it, no matter how hilarious Doug Benson may be, I just don’t fucking give a shit about marijuana. I believe it should be legalized, partially just on principle since it’s usually harmless, and predominately because once it was legal, maybe a big deal would actually be made about second-hand pot smoke at concerts and movie theaters; an issue that constantly fucking plagues me. Seriously, pot-smokers, I know it’s a “chill” drug or whatever, and I fully appreciate that and am even perhaps jealous at times that you’ve got something so easily pleasant and relaxing, but not everyone reacts to it the same fucking way, so smoking it in public is totally fucked, and rude on every level. I’m not even referring to my own extreme and certainly rare reaction to the drug, since as long as I’m not taking hits myself, chances are it’s just gonna give me a bad headache, but there are plenty of people besides me who don’t respond to it positively. And plenty of people who simply dislike the smell of it. Not to mention that in a fucking movie theater, with the combination of the smell, the movement required, and lighting it, it ends up being more distracting than texting. Suck that shit up, inconsiderate potheads. You are creating a hostile movie-viewing experience. Granted, the only time this happens is during midnight movies, where there’s already the issue of people talking and shouting stuff out. But that’s not really relevant considering, and I’m bringing this full circle now to the beginning of this post, I think that people who talk during midnight movies deserve to be viciously raped by robots with spiked drill dicks. Which is not just a joke from my latest short, Star Trek: The Motion Picture Film, coming very soon to a computer right in front of you, but very real wishful thinking on my part for an invention of the future. And just to be clear, I have absolutely nothing against the actual smoking of pot, or the many people who smoke it responsibly without risking the involuntary impairment of strangers, and I really do strongly endorse it's legalization. Just, you know, don't be a cunt about it. Anyway, to get back to the review and away from this embarrassingly serious rant, Super High Me could’ve been a lot better.