Placenta Ovaries

Linda Blair Reviews, Part 3

7/5

Fatal Bond (1992, Vincent Monton, VHS) - 6.0
Linda Blair falls for a sleazy asshole, and decides to give him a bunch of money and go on a road trip with him after knowing him about a day. A girl he cheats on her with turns up dead, and he probably did it, and then LB finds another dead girl, and assumes it was him, but then at the end, it turns out he’s innocent, and I guess it’s a happy ending for them even though he’s still a dick. It was alright. Had it’s moments.

7/8

Double Blast (1994, Tim Spring, VHS) - 8.5
Joe Estevez is trying to find some treasure, so he kidnaps archaelogist Linda Blair to translate some shit for him, but he runs into trouble when a young kickboxing brother-sister duo get involved and repeatedly beat the shit out of his bumbling henchmen. I knew I was in for something special when the opening credits actually explained who one of the stars was, as seen here. It’s kind of a retarded movie, if you can believe it, but also a fucking great one.

7/9

The Heart of the Lie (1992, Jerry London, DVD) - 7.5
True crime drama about a woman who is convicted for killing her husband’s ex-wife, but may not be guilty. Pretty good story, and I thought the lead was really good. They did a kind of ok job of setting up some other possible suspects, and remaining somewhat objective over whether or not she did it. I much prefer the original title, Calendar Girl, Cop, Killer? The Bambi Bembenek Story, but the DVD makes up for the change by listing Fullscreen as a Special Feature, which I always find hilarious.

7/10

Moving Target (1988, Marius Mattei, VHS) - 8.5
Someone on a motorcycle is trying to kill everyone to get a key that I guess unlocks riches, but we never actually find out, and so there’s this blond girl on the run who is topless throughout the entire movie for no reason whatsoever, and she hides out with a tennis star who might be her father, and they have a ton of sex, and there’s also a persistent news reporter, whose cameraman is working for the bad guys, and Ernest Borgnine is a detective trying to figure out what’s going on, and Linda Blair occasionally shows up, but doesn’t seem to actually serve any purpose. By the end of the movie, even the characters themselves don’t seem to have any idea whose side they’re on, and everyone just starts randomly shooting each other. And on top of all that, the soundtrack and score are fucking incredible. This was a tough one to track down, but definitely worth it.

Roller Boogie (Rewatch, 1979, Mark L. Lester, 35mm, Bridge) - 9.5
Linda Blair is a rich girl with inattentive parents who, despite being a musical prodigy, is more interested in rollerskating. She meets Jim Bray, a rollerskater with a shot at the Olympics, and hires him to help train her to win the Roller Boogie Contest. It all goes wrong, though, when some businessmen threaten to burn down the roller rink if the owner doesn’t sell them the property, and so the owner is forced to shut down, unless all the rollerskaters can band together and come up with a plan. This movie features an incredible performance from Jim Bray, and one of the best and most adorable from Linda Blair, as well as some funny turns from almost every secondary character. What’s most amazing about this movie, or well, there’s actually a fucking ton of things that make this movie amazing, but one of the most amazing things is how well it segues 70’s movies into 80’s movies. The tone of it, and certainly the fashion and the music, still make it feel like a 70’s movie, but the personalities, the brand of humor, the way in which the fashion and music are utilized, and even the entire plot would later be recycled in many classic and defining 80’s movies.

10/4

Repossessed (Rewatch, 1990, Bob Logan, DVD) - 2.0
Parody sequel to the Exorcist with Linda Blair all grown up with a family, and she gets possessed again, so Leslie Nielsen shows up to give her an exorcism, and Ned Beatty shows up to televise it. It’s not a bad idea, but the jokes are fucking excruciating. Linda Blair isn't especially gifted with comedy, anyway, but it's usually cute when she tries (like in Double Blast or S Club 7). But here she's fucking brutal (through no fault of her own, obviously, she's clearly a victim of terrible writing and direction), and Leslie Nielsen is equally awful. I had seen this before and didn’t like it, but it’s way worse than I remembered. Fucking terrible.

Linda Blair Reviews, Part 2

6/20

A Woman Obsessed (1989, Chuck Vincent, VHS) - 9.5
A man who doesn’t know he was adopted happens upon a painting that seems to be of himself, and it turns out to be a portrait of his biological father, painted by his long-lost mother. He reconnects with her, and goes out to her mansion with his wife Linda Blair. All seems to go well at first, but then it turns out the mother is fucking insane, and is unable to distinguish her son from her late husband, and I don’t want to give too much away, but I’ll say that that plot detail is taken as far as it can possibly go, and I was actually shocked by it. There are some weird moments here, like two extended monologue sequences where the non-speaking actors look really uncomfortable and unsure what to do with themselves, which may be awkward to watch, but I actually found it to be realistic and possibly inspired. For the most part, it’s a brilliant thriller, that delightfully takes things way farther than expected, with an incredible and intense performance from Georgina Spelvin as the mother. I think it’d make a great double feature with Night Warning.

6/21

imps* (The Immoral Minority Picture Show) (1980's/2009, Scott Mansfield, DVD) - 6.0
Lost comedy skit film that was made in the 80’s, but never released until now. It was mostly bad, and not funny, but it wasn’t too painful. There was some ok stuff in it.

6/24

Grotesque (1988, Joe Tornatore, Download) - 8.0
Linda Blair takes her friend to her parents’ cabin in the mountains, and her dad is a special effects guy, and keeps trying to scare them with all his masks, and then a gang of punks breaks in and kills them all, except Linda Blair who escapes, at least for awhile. Some of the punks are then killed by a mutant, who the police assume had done all of the killing, despite Tab Hunter’s insistence that the mutant is innocent, and this all leads up to an aburd, and amazing, ending. Pretty ridiculous movie, but a good one.

6/26

Dead Sleep (1990, Alec Mills, DVD) - 7.5
Linda Blair is a nurse at a hospital, and she becomes suspicious of the main doctor’s methods, and the high death count of his patients who undergo his experimental treatment. It’s not an especially effective thriller, but I don’t know, I liked it.

6/29

Monster Makers (2003, David S. Cass Sr., DVD) - 6.5
A kid who likes horror movies finds a print of an old never-released monster movie, and as he’s watching it on Halloween, there’s a lightning storm, and the monsters end up coming out of the screen to terrorize the town. The plot is surprisingly smart and rarely annoying for a made-for-Hallmark kids movie. There are subtle things, like when the kid and his friend decide to go to the police, he’s like “Ok, but we can’t tell them they’re monsters or they won’t believe us, we have to say that some big guys broke in to the house.” which I thought was clever. I thought it had a lot of potential to be really good, but ultimately, it’s just too fucking innocent.

6/30

The Chilling (1989, Jack A. Sunseri & Deland Nuse, DVD) - 7.0
The power goes out at a cryogenics lab, so security guard Dan Haggerty moves all the bodies outside in the rain to keep them cold, but then the containers get hit by lightning and turns them all into zombies. Linda Blair helps out to fight them off. A bit forgettable, but basically a good movie.

7/1

Gang Boys (1994, Wings Hauser, VHS) - 9.5
Linda Blair's gay son gets raped by Nazis, so she tracks down the father, played by Wings Hauser, and helps him deal with his alcoholism, and eventually they kind of fight back. It's fucking amazing.

7/3

Prey of the Jaguar (1996, David DeCoteau, DVD) - 7.0
Maxwell Caulfield’s family is killed by a man who he had put in prison (or, more specifically, a secret underground prison, or at least I think so, I didn’t really get that part). So Caulfield becomes a superhero, inspired by some drawings his son had made, and seeks revenge. It was a decent, fun story, but not nearly gay enough for a DeCoteau movie.

Linda Blair Reviews, Part 1

In anticipation of meeting Linda Blair a couple months ago, I watched every single one of her movies that I hadn't seen yet that I was able to track down. Here's the first batch of them.

6/7

Bail Out (1989, Max Kleven, DVD) - 8.0
Three bail bondsmen named White Bread (a white guy, David Hasselhoff), Bean (a Mexican), and Blue (obviously, a Black guy), are hired to protect Linda Blair because she witnessed a murder among drug dealers, but they do a pretty bad job of it, and she gets taken, and then they have to save her. It’s a pretty fun movie about the exciting adventures of bail bondsmen, with an excellent performance from Hasselhoff.

Up Your Alley (1988, Bob Logan, VHS) - 7.5
There’s a serial killer stalking and killing the homeless, so newspaper reporter Linda Blair goes undercover to write a story about it, and she meets a kind and handsome transient who shows her the ropes of homelessness, and they fall in love. Sweet and simple romantic comedy about homeless people being murdered.

6/10

Ruckus (1981, Max Kleven, DVD) - 6.0
A Vietnam vet comes through a small town, and he’s dirty and rude, so people don’t like him, but Linda Blair does, and that makes people like him even less, and so he goes to war with the entire town. It’s the same basic plot as First Blood. Kinda boring, but Linda Blair looks great.

6/11

Victory at Entebbe (1976, Marvin J. Chomsky, VHS) - 4.0
A plane from Israel gets hijacked by terrorists in Uganda, and they hold everyone hostage for awhile. Really boring terrorism story. Kept waiting for Jack Bauer to fix everything.

6/14

Airport 1975 (1974, Jack Smight, Roku) - 9.0
Oh my god, so here’s what happens. A small plane crashes into a large commercial plane with a bunch of passengers, and it kills and badly injures the pilots, so flight attendant Karen Black has to be coached through how to put the plane into cruise control, until a real pilot can parachute into the cockpit. I should really be watching more disaster movies. This was fucking amazing.

The Powder Puff Principle (Short, 2006, John Burgess, Download) - 6.0
Clint Howard is a hated principal of a high school, and when he cancels a big football game, someone paints a lewd mural of him in the gym, and he wants to know who did it. Pretty decent short with a terrible soundtrack and a short cameo at the end from LB.

6/15

Sorceress (1995, Jim Wynorski, DVD) - 7.0
There are some witches who are fighting about stuff, and there’s a guy involved, and a bunch of sex happens. I don’t remember much more than that. It was kinda weird watching generic softcore now that I’m older than 15, and was actually renting it and didn’t just stumble across it on Cinemax at 3 in the morning in the family room at my mom’s house. Weird, but worth it. Linda Blair was pretty good (honestly, I don’t even remember if she was or not, but she usually is.)

Teddy Scares (Short, 2006, William Vaughan, Download) - 5.0
Animated student film about goth teddy bears. Linda Blair, Clive Barker, and Rick Baker do voices. It was ok.

6/17

Bedroom Eyes II (1990, Chuck Vincent, VHS) - 7.0
Wings Hauser plays the businessman from the first movie, who meets a woman (Linda Blair) who looks exactly like his first wife, and then the killer from the first movie is out of prison, and it all leads to trouble. Decent story, but it just wasn't exciting enough. And Linda Blair gets killed halfway through.

Meeting Linda Blair

I met Linda Blair tonight! Honestly, it was kind of anti-climactic. I've seen just about everything she's done at this point, and am totally obsessed, but once I actually got to meet her, I asked her to sign Savage Streets and that was the extent of our conversation. I was going to get this poster signed, but ultimately didn't, mainly for budgetary reasons. I like meeting celebrities for the experience of just being in their presence, and I like having shit autographed, but I also fucking hate it because I get too nervous and always freeze up with nothing to say. For some further evidence of how uncomfortable I was, take a look at my hand not actually touching her shoulder.

I think my favorite celebrity interactions are always gonna be when people like Neil Patrick Harris or Sam Rockwell come into my theater as customers, and it's thrilling just to sell them popcorn, and then later joke about how awesome it would have been if, when Sam Rockwell ordered a coke, I had been like "Regular... or diet?" in the exact same way that he asks "Regular... or Menthol?" to the kid who asks him for cigarettes in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Here are a couple pictures from the pre-show:

The 2009 Nomi Awards!

Hello, and welcome everyone to the 4th Annual Nomi Awards! My name is Keanu and I will be your host for this evening, as voted by Austin’s readers. So let’s get started.

Savage Streets

Hey, look what's coming out:



I like the cover a lot.  More than the VHS or original poster, because Linda Blair looked all weird on those.  I don't know all the special features yet, but I know there are interviews with some of the actors, including Linda Blair and Linnea Quigley, and also three commentaries I will never listen to because I hate commentaries, but one of them is with director Danny Steinmann.  Also, it's in widescreen, and I guess has been refurbished or whatever, which will hopefully not detract from the sleaze and make it less of a good movie, like the DVD of Maniac.  It comes out September 23, and you should buy it.  You don't have to buy it for me for my 26th birthday, though, I already pre-ordered it.

Tonight and last night, I'm supervising a film shoot at my theater.  It's a really small film crew, but it's still like, an actual film crew, so it's been interesting for me to watch, since my films have been made on a way cheaper scale.  Having a director of photography looks fucking awesome.  In their movie, one of the main characters is a projectionist, so I had to show her how to do splices and shit, and I've been doing a bunch of other projectionist stuff for them, so I kind of want a credit as Projection Advisor.  I don't know if it'll end up on IMDb or not, but that'd be a good credit to have on there.

Some reviews, as always, are coming soon.  For now, though, I can tell you that Tropic Thunder is one of the best movies of the year, and Wings of Desire is one of the worst movies ever made.

IMAGES I LIKE PART 4

Rose McGowan and Marley Shelton in Grindhouse

Bijou Phillips

The Most Amazing Cat in the World (I think this is the third time I've posted this picture in like 6 months)

Cats and Kittens

Kitten with Bunny

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors

A Nightmare on Elm Street

Debbie Reynolds

Scanners

Torque

High Tension

Silent Night, Deadly Night

Jennifer Jason Leigh

Kids/Babies

Judy Garland

Ann-Margret

Alice, Sweet Alice

Stephen Dorff in The Gate

Gummo

Amanda Seyfried

Carlton Banks



Click this last one for my favorite video of the moment.

The Brood

Will Arnett & Amy Poehler

An American Werewolf in London

Linda Blair

Crispin Glover

Opera

Britney Spears

IMAGES I LIKE PART 5

The 2008 3rd Annual Adolf Awards!

OMG Prizes: There is a theme among the presenters, and how I picked them, and if you can figure it out, I will send you one of the posters nominated for Best Poster or Best Film. If you think you know it, send me an email at wolfsothern@gmail.com. Supplies are limited, though, so be quick.

Nicolas Cage: Hi, I’m Nicolas Cage.  Thank you.

I am fuckin honored to be here tonight. Unlike many of the actors/actresses and the movies who will be awarded tonight with a beautiful and adorable Adolf statuette, who have all been hand-chosen by just one person who happens to have far better taste than the Academy, I am here because I was chosen by the people. Specifically, by slightly more than 1/4 of 37 people. People from all over this world chose me as the Best Person for the Hosting Job, so eat your fuckin heart out, Superbad and Bratz and all the other Best Picture nominees, because I’m Nicolas Cage and I am the real winner of tonight. So to honor myself, I’m awarding myself with my own very special statue, The Nicolas.

Let’s get this party started, ladies and gentlemen.

"There was no way I was gonna walk around this place with my dork hanging out!" Reviews (10/12 - 10/18)

10/13

Heavy Metal (1981, Gerald Potterton, 35mm) - 7.5
After awhile, I kind of stopped being able to pay attention. But I liked the first few stories, and the one about the nerdy kid who turns into a hunk when he's transported to another planet was fucking amazing.

10/14

Silent Assassins (1988, Lee Doo Yong & Scott Thomas, vhs) - 7.5
Linda Blair is barely in it, despite her second billing. But Flash Gordon carries the movie on his own pretty damn well.

Rockabilly Vampire (1996, Lee Bennett Sobel, dvd) - 3
Some funny moments, but mostly boring.
Blond Fury (short, 1985, Lee Bennett Sobel, dvd) - 4

10/15

Alice, Sweet Alice (rewatch, 1976, Alfred Sole, dvd) - 10

10/16

All the Colors of the Dark (1972, Sergio Martino, dvd) - 7

10/17

Near Dark (rewatch, 1987, Kathryn Bigelow, vhs) - 8.5

10/18

Daughters of Darkness (1971, Harry Kumel, dvd) - 7

Now Playing movies I need 2 see
30 Days of Night
The Darjeeling Limited
Feel the Noise
Finishing the Game
Flowers in the Attic/Nightmare on Elm Street/The Hills Have Eyes (Castro)
Lars and the Real Girl
Lust, Caution
Persona/Hour of the Wolf (Castro)

"I wish I were in her pants. So I could shit in them." Reviews (7/15 - 7/21)

7/15

Thriller: A Cruel Picture (1974, Bo Arne Vibenius, dvd) - 7
The first half is really good, and nicely bleak. But the second half/revenge portion doesn't satisfy, mostly due to the painfully stupid slow motion death scenes. There's one scene in particular where One Eye is beating up a couple cops that was probably about a 10 second shot, but is slowed down to last about 5 excruciating minutes.

Steel Magnolias (1989, Herbert Ross, dvd) - 5
I've already seen Terms of Endearment, so watching this felt kinda pointless.

7/16

Gymkata (1985, Robert Clouse, dvd) - 9

Son of The Incredibly Strange Film Show (all episodes I could find, 1989, Andy Harries, download) - 9

7/17

Hell Night (1981, Tom DeSimone, dvd) - 5
Linda Blair looks cute, but that's about the only thing this so-called slasher has going for it.

7/18

Gymkata (rewatch, 1985, Robert Clouse, dvd) - 9

7/19

Black Angel Vol. 1 (1997, Takashi Ishii, theater) - 7

Black Angel Vol. 2 (1999, Takashi Ishii, theater) - 4

Dream to Believe (rewatch, 1986, Paul Lynch, dvd) - 11

7/20

Torso (1973, Sergio Martino, dvd) - 8.5
It totally saturated my screen with terror.

Little Darlings (rewatch, 1980, Ronald F. Maxwell, theater) - 9

Meatballs (1979, Ivan Reitman, theater) - 5
I don't understand comedies that don't actually have any comedy in them. Jokes that aren't funny is one thing, but no jokes at all? How does that even happen?

Revenge of the Cheerleaders (rewatch, 1976, Richard Lerner, theater) - 10

Pro-Life (2006, John Carpenter, dvd) - 8

7/21

His Girl Friday (1940, Howard Hawks, tcm) - 6

Now Playing movies I need 2 see
Captivity
Hairspray
Infernal Affairs/Knight Errant (4 Star)
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
Joshua
Lost Boys (Santa Cruz Boardwalk)
Rescue Dawn
Showgirls (Midnight Mass)
Sicko
Sunshine
Transformers